As soon as it was became legal for this couple to make it official, Michael proposed to Ernst with the approval of their daughter. What followed was a classy, family affair at a Hogwarts-like restaurant, lots of beautiful food and champagne… then an after-party with drag queens and dancing until dawn.

Why was the timing important?

The sooner the better, I remember thinking. It became legal for us to marry in Ontario in July 2003. I proposed that July while we were on holiday. I decided to propose while swimming in the Atlantic in Provincetown, Cape Cod. I decided then that I would commit to doing things a little differently. Our eldest daughter was five at the time and she knew I was going to ask him to marry me. I clutched his ring in my hand and swam to him. He was about 15 meters out but it felt like the longest swim of my life. I looked back to see our daughter standing by the shore smiling. It was only a few days later that we felt getting married in the fall would be nice, but really, we could have married later that day and it would have been great.

What was your budget?

We spent $CAD 10,000, and we still feel that’s too much money to spend on a wedding. However, all of it was for food and drink for our 55 friends and family and a bit for flowers. We used the rings we already had that had a lot of meaning for us and we wore our good suits. Though our daughter was our ring bearer and we had the cutest wee frock made for her.

What were your “non-negotiables” (things you absolutely had to have)?

So here’s the thing, I don’t really like weddings. So many just seem so inauthentic, usually because they are too big, filled with cheesy decor, maudlin displays, too may flowers, and cliched heteronormative traditions (it’s hard to get away from those nasty things). Honestly, I usually find them kind of gross and boring. But here we were, about to marry. On some level, we did it because it was important for our families to witness our union, but mostly for our daughter. The only non-negotiables were to have a small, intimate gathering of family and friends in a beautiful place with a little good food and some champagne. So we had our wedding at 11am at Hart House in Toronto, and then we had a great lunch at the Gallery Grill – a gothic, Hogwarts-like restaurant at Hart House – where we had some very early dates. The place meant a lot to us. We then all went our separate ways to relax for a few hours. Later, we reconvened at a Latin gay club full of drag queens in Toronto where we danced all night in our jeans and t-shirts. That’s how we wedding.

What did you splurge on?

All of it felt like a splurge. We were just getting started then, so spending 10k on this event was massive to us. I still think it’s nuts. The only splurge I can remember was on a Russian wedding cake, which is a tall cone-shaped cake made of cream-filled profiteroles? Apt on so many levels.

What could you have lived without?

We could have lived without being married by a United Church minister. He was lovely (and gay too!) but I think we wanted to include some of the symbols with which my parents and grandparents could identify. On one hand, we chose a somewhat religious ceremony to, on some level, put a mark on a space we couldn’t have before. There was some satisfaction in having family see that “god” in fact does sanctify the weddings of gay people. We liked that our families saw our wedding through that lens too. Frankly, a unicorn could have presided over the wedding and we’d have loved that too.

Number #1 bargain tip?

Make your wedding small and invite only those who are close to you now. If you have not seen your 20 friends from high school in more than 10 years, do you really want to see them at your wedding too?

Favourite detail?

We made our daughter the centre of our wedding. She stood between us as we exchanged our vows. Don’t give in to tradition if you don’t want to. Make it your own, together.

Biggest surprise?

Our five-year old started to cry when we held hands and exchanged our vows. That might have been because I was crying too and was struggling to get through it. Also, the dancing at the gay Latin club later that night was way more fun than I thought it would be. 

Memorable/special moment?

Having our daughter stand between us as we exchanged our vows. The only thing that could have made it better was to have our other daughter there with us, but she was born three years later.