After years of hypothetical scheming and plotting, it is finally time for me to partake in the insane practice of “wedding planning.” I am not a traditional bride in any sense, as it turns out. If you had asked me at the tender age of 18 what I had spent my childhood planning for my wedding (white pillowcase veils, be damned!) you would have gotten the answer you expected: a Swarovski crystal encrusted ball gown, an extravagant venue, an enormous guest list, and every tradition in the book.

Now, at 26, here I am to share the six stuffy traditions my fiancé and I have decided to drop from the list of wedding do’s in search of creating a truly intimate, relaxing, and romantic wedding day that doesn’t put us in a lifetime of debt and reflects who we are.

• Check you STDs:

An interchangeable abbreviation to use for your special day and your special prescription! I have to admit that it took me a shockingly long time to discern that STD was a short form brides use for Save the Dates on wedding forums. So wait? I’m supposed to invite you to my wedding more than once adding the costs of two separate invitations and twice as much postage? Have you seen the cost of stamps lately? Have you seen how much people pay for those STDs? Imagine, we’re living in a world in which to celebrate the happiest day of your life you’re required to shell out your hard-earned money on something that can be abbreviated to STDs.

• Saturday Schmaterday:

I’ve never been to a wedding that was not held on a Saturday. It is the choice day of brides and grooms everywhere to become one with their partner. I have opted to marry on a Wednesday, so if you doubted my dedication to the non-traditional wedding you’re going to have to reconsider. For us, our wedding day is not just the last Saturday of September or the weekend we were able to book a dream venue. Our wedding day will be my grandparent’s 70th anniversary. They married on a Saturday in 1947, of course. The date was truly far more important to me than the day of the week. To the tradition of Saturday weddings, I say Saturday schmaterday, everybody knows Wednesday is where it’s at (and it saves a pretty penny too.)

• SYTTD and the entire hell of wedding dress shopping: 

After years of watching TLC’s Say Yes to the Dress the choice of giving up the wedding dress experience has truly been a pleasure. I simply cannot handle the pressure and stress of finding “the one,” while the most important people in my life butt heads over the beading or the silhouette or why my hips look too big. I saw the most beautiful wedding dress I had ever seen on an online website selling for $150 with free shipping, and without consulting, anyone simply went ahead and purchased it. It is hidden in my closet in the same garment bag as my prom dress, leaving the surprise of what it looks like on me for my friends and family to my wedding day. Randy is just going to have to deal with the fact that not every bride needs to “get jacked up” to choose a dress.

• No BP here:

In a complete and utter upset, we have opted not to have a bridal party (abbreviated as BP in the same forums that celebrate their STDs). We are truly blessed to have a group of friends who understand that with a guest list of 40 people having 13 people standing at the front: five party members for each of us, bride and groom, and officiant is a circus not a wedding. Instead, we will still take beautiful photos with them, in whatever attire they deem comfortable and beautiful, to honour them as an important part of our life together both before and after we are married. No matching bridesmaids dress necessary.

• The Giving Away of the Bride or, Why I’m not Cattle: 

I have been an independent woman since I was 18 years old. As such there’s just something off-putting about my father being treated as my keeper on my journey into marriage. I have opted out of having my father walk me down the aisle to give me away as a result. I am marrying the man I love because I have chosen to do so, not because my suitor was able to provide an acceptable dowry to my family. No dad, that cow he gave you was not a gift for my hand in marriage; it was just a cow your future son-in-law thought you would like.

• Garter Toss/Bouquet Toss: No Dignity Necessary: 

Did you know the garter toss evolved from the necessity of the bride and groom to prove that they had consummated their marriage? This meant family and close friends attending the after-party festivities to view the consummation and taking home the garter as proof. Something tells me that part was left out of the Holy Bible. Bouquet tosses aren’t much better, they came from the lasting tradition of bridal jealousy: women in attendance would rip pieces of the bride’s dress and flowers to get their hands on some of her good luck. Tossing the bouquet came about as an opportunity for the bride to run away from the honoured guests at her wedding ripping her apart… may the odds be ever in her favour.

Caitlin’s marrying her fiance, Ryan, in a classy, non-tradition, mid-week event next year so they can finally look their dog children in the eye. So… you can just deal with that.